It's Starting, I Can Feel It...

Ok, I'm going to try not to sound too whiny, self-involved or whatever and I'm going to try not to cry while I write this, we'll see...

I can feel myself starting to shut down. I don't think I realized that I did it while Kelly was in Afghanistan until he came home but this time I am really aware of it. I feel almost emotionally dead inside. I have been wondering if this is a little like what abuse victims do, detach themselves emotionally to survive. Not that this compares to someone who has been abused by any stretch of the imagination. If it is even a little like that I can't imagine living your life that way. One year at a stretch is hard enough.

I'm not sure how to get through this without shutting down. I'm afraid that if I don't that I will cry ALL THE TIME! I'm not even sure how to put into words what I'm trying to say. I am not a "touchy-feely" person, except when it comes to my husband. (oh boy, the crying has begun!) He, on the other hand, is a very "touchy-feely" person. He's a hugger, big time! Me, not so much, except for him and I miss that SO much. Sometimes I just feel like a robot on autopilot, just getting through each day. People ask me how I'm doing and I just smile and say "ok" but I really feel like screaming!

I especially hate that it's not fair to my girls. They need me to be present and whole and I just don't know how to do it. I don't want them to have to spend another year without their dad. So much changes and so much happens in a year.

Then that voice in my head tells me to suck it up, drive on and get over it. At least I have a husband, at least my kids have a father, it's only a year, you're not the only one who is or has gone through it, at least your kids aren't small, you're not having a baby, etc..... Why do I feel like I don't have the right to be mad, sad, angry, whatever? I guess that's why I shut down, because if I allow myself to have all these feelings I think I will never get out of bed again. (and we've now moved from teary to all out ugly cry)

Sorry for the pity party, I'm having a REALLY bad day! Pray for us all please!

The Girl is 21!

Well, today you celebrate not only your first Mothers Day, but your 21st birthday too! It's so hard to believe that I have children this old. This morning I asked you if you felt 21 and you said "no" and I said, "wait until you are 44 and you still feel 21"!

May 10, 1988, this 8lb, 7.5 oz baby girl joined our little family of three. It was kind of a crazy time. I was 12 days overdue, grandma was leaving the next day to go to New York and Boston for a couple of weeks and your dad had just lost his job. But, babies don't wait for the timing to be perfect and everything worked itself out and here we are 21 years later! We named you "Brittany Danielle" (Brittany seemed like such an edgy name at the time, boy were we wrong about that!) You were a little blonde haired, blue eyed beauty and people actually stopped us in stores and said you looked like a princess. (I think your sister believes you acted like one too).
You were always pretty easy going and easy to get along with but also determined to do things your way. I know it wasn't easy having three little sisters who loved to go into you room while you were at school. How many barbies lost their heads at the hands of those three little monsters? And yet, when you all got older you were pretty much always willing to take them on shopping excursions, help them dye their hair, learn to put on make-up, etc.
You have grown up to be a wonderful daughter and now a great mom to that sweet baby!

Happy Birthday my sweet girl and Happy Mothers Day too!

First Birthday

Second Grade

Wedding Day 7/21/07

Now a Momma 1/16/09

Kelly's Time Home

Well, Kelly has been home and is gone again. He got home on Thursday, 4/30 and left for Georgia on Thursday, 5/7. Thought I'd write about what we did while he was home for the week.

Friday - I skipped school (with my instructor's permission) and we ran errands, picked up a rototiller from Kelly's brother and he pretty much spent the rest of the day trying to get it started (unsuccessfully) so he could use it. While he was struggling with that I mowed the front and back and then he edged (a job I really don't enjoy).

Saturday - Mobilization ceremony at the Memorial Coliseum. One word? BORING! The soldiers were in formation while the governor, senators, state reps, mayor, general, colonel, etc made speeches, then were released. Following are a couple of pictures from that.

Sunday - We went to church and then took the girls to see "Wolverine" (we are all X-men geeks and hey, who doesn't love Hugh Jackman!)

Monday - Kelly and I had a date day. He won a drawing from the Red Cross for gift certificates to a restaurant of our choice and to the Regal Cinemas. We spent the day in Salem shopping, went to lunch at McGraths and then went to see "Ghosts of Girlfriends Past". Except for the pouring rain we had a great day together!

Tuesday - Ran more errands and rented a rototiller so I didn't have to wait until next year to finish the spot I'm working on.

Wednesday - Kelly spent most of the day packing and making sure he had everything ready to go. Chloey, Shelby and I took him the the Armory where he had to stay overnight so he could leave first thing Thursday morning.

So, that's pretty much it. The week sped by and now he won't be home again until he has leave, hopefully at Christmas.

He's Coming Home!

Sorry that I haven't lived up to my "every week" updates on Kelly. To be honest, there isn't much to tell. He usually calls once a day. Sometimes for less than 5 minutes, sometimes longer. He is busy training, trying to keep all his people on task and attempting to make the Sargent Major happy (which I personally think is impossible!). It's so hard for me to hear how the SGM treats him sometimes. Kelly is still learning his new job and the people he is in charge of and is trying so hard to stay on top of everything. He and Kelly definately have different leadership styles. Kelly is pretty laid back, tries to be positive and give people a chance. The SGM seems to be one of those people who enjoy belittling people and then telling them that it's not personal and you need to have a thick skin. I think it's just an excuse to be a jerk! Anyway, Kelly could use prayer in this area. I really want to give the SGM a piece of my mind and tell him to back off. I don't know why I feel the need to want to come to Kelly's defense. Maybe it has something to do with me being the oldest and him being the youngest.... Anyway, I am trying to pray for the SGM, that Kelly would be an example of God's love to him.
Kelly is coming home on Thursday, 4/30. On Saturday, 5/2 there is a mobilization ceremony at the Memorial Coliseum at 9am. Anyone who wants to come is welcome. He will be home and will supposedly have Friday, Sunday and Monday free and will have to report on Tuesday. He is scheduled to fly to Georgia on Thursday, 5/7. So, that is the latest for now, I will write more when I know more.

Easter

Today the words to this song say it all.... Happy Easter!

Chris Tomlin - I Will Rise
From the album Hello Love

There's a peace I've come to know
Though my heart and flesh may fail
There's an anchor for my soul
I can say, "it is well"
Jesus has overcome
And the grave is overwhelmed
The victory is won
He is risen from the dead

Chorus:
I will rise when He calls my name
No more sorrow, no more pain
I will rise on eagles' wings
Before my God, fall on my knees
And rise
I will rise

There's a day that's drawing near
When this darkness breaks to light
And the shadows disappear
And my faith shall be my eyes
And I hear the voice of many angels sing,
"worthy is the Lamb"
And I hear the cry of every longing heart,
"worthy is the Lamb"

Chorus:
I will rise when He calls my name
No more sorrow, no more pain
I will rise on eagles' wings
Before my God, fall on my knees
And rise
I will rise

Contentment

I've been thinking a lot about my life lately (wow, I must be getting old!). In our Sunday School class we were having a lesson on the prodigal son and talking about how he left home because he wasn't content with his life. My friend was talking about people now always wanting more, bigger, better stuff and it was like a lightning bolt hit me and I thought "I am content". It kind of surprised me to realize that I am truly happy with my life right now. Since Sunday I have been thinking about how this came to be. I think that it has a lot to do with gratefulness. When I have been praying lately I have been trying to thank God for everything. Does this mean that my life is perfect? Ha, right! Are there things that I would change if I could? Sure!

Here are a few things that I am grateful for:

1. I am thankful for my husband. I wish he wasn't going to be gone for a year but I am thankful for him. For knowing at 15 that he was "the one". For still being madly in love with him 29 years later. For how he makes me feel loved and protected.

2. For my kids and grandson. I wish that Nick, Britt and Holden lived closer so I wasn't missing so much, but am thankful that I have 5 beautiful, healthy children and the cutest grandson ever!

3. For this body of mine. I wish that I didn't have to struggle with my weight but I'm working on it and I am thankful that I don't have any health problems. I can still walk, run (a little), see, hear, etc.

4. For my cars. Do I sometimes wish that I could just buy any car that I want? Sometimes, but I am thankful for our 1997 Suburban that holds my whole family and gets us where we need to go and for our 1993 4-Runner that makes a great back-up. I guess I'm thankful for Kelly's motorcycles? (There's gratefulness I need to work on!)

5. I am thankful for my home. I wish it was finished, wish some parts were bigger, but we have a home. We live in a great neighborhood, have wonderful neighbors, were able to remodel to give us the room we needed and in these days of foreclosure, I am especially grateful for my home.

6. I am thankful for Kelly's job. It would be nice if he didn't have to drive so far but it is a great job. He has good hours, is off on the weekends and makes enough that I could quit my job and be at home.

7. Most especially, I am thankful for knowing God. I am thankful that I was raised in a family that took me to church from my beginning. That I found a partner who shared my beliefs and that we have brought up our children to believe.

I am thankful, grateful and content.

It Has Begun

Well, Kelly is off on his new adventure. He left yesterday and flew to CA and will spend the next month at Camp Roberts. In case any of you didn't know, or care, Kelly has changed jobs in the Guard. In December he was promoted to E-8, 1st Sargent of Bravo Co, 141 Bn. That means that he is in charge of a Company of soldiers, about 100+. This is part of the group that was called up for deployment so instead of volunteering like last time, this time he didn't have a choice to go. After spending two drills with this group he was moved to the Headquarters Bn to be their 1st Sgt for the deployment and will go back to Bravo when they return. Anyway, things have been pretty crazy the past few months as he has tried to keep up with everything. He will be coming home for a few days at the beginning of May and will then leave for Ft. Stewart, GA where he will be for two months, then from there he goes to Kuwait for a few weeks to acclimate, then to Iraq. He will arrive in Iraq in the middle of the summer when it is usually 120 degrees. Doesn't that just sound like the best time!? Anyway, he can use your prayers for safety and sanity (as he learns his new job), and we here at home can use them too.