It's Starting, I Can Feel It...

Ok, I'm going to try not to sound too whiny, self-involved or whatever and I'm going to try not to cry while I write this, we'll see...

I can feel myself starting to shut down. I don't think I realized that I did it while Kelly was in Afghanistan until he came home but this time I am really aware of it. I feel almost emotionally dead inside. I have been wondering if this is a little like what abuse victims do, detach themselves emotionally to survive. Not that this compares to someone who has been abused by any stretch of the imagination. If it is even a little like that I can't imagine living your life that way. One year at a stretch is hard enough.

I'm not sure how to get through this without shutting down. I'm afraid that if I don't that I will cry ALL THE TIME! I'm not even sure how to put into words what I'm trying to say. I am not a "touchy-feely" person, except when it comes to my husband. (oh boy, the crying has begun!) He, on the other hand, is a very "touchy-feely" person. He's a hugger, big time! Me, not so much, except for him and I miss that SO much. Sometimes I just feel like a robot on autopilot, just getting through each day. People ask me how I'm doing and I just smile and say "ok" but I really feel like screaming!

I especially hate that it's not fair to my girls. They need me to be present and whole and I just don't know how to do it. I don't want them to have to spend another year without their dad. So much changes and so much happens in a year.

Then that voice in my head tells me to suck it up, drive on and get over it. At least I have a husband, at least my kids have a father, it's only a year, you're not the only one who is or has gone through it, at least your kids aren't small, you're not having a baby, etc..... Why do I feel like I don't have the right to be mad, sad, angry, whatever? I guess that's why I shut down, because if I allow myself to have all these feelings I think I will never get out of bed again. (and we've now moved from teary to all out ugly cry)

Sorry for the pity party, I'm having a REALLY bad day! Pray for us all please!

The Girl is 21!

Well, today you celebrate not only your first Mothers Day, but your 21st birthday too! It's so hard to believe that I have children this old. This morning I asked you if you felt 21 and you said "no" and I said, "wait until you are 44 and you still feel 21"!

May 10, 1988, this 8lb, 7.5 oz baby girl joined our little family of three. It was kind of a crazy time. I was 12 days overdue, grandma was leaving the next day to go to New York and Boston for a couple of weeks and your dad had just lost his job. But, babies don't wait for the timing to be perfect and everything worked itself out and here we are 21 years later! We named you "Brittany Danielle" (Brittany seemed like such an edgy name at the time, boy were we wrong about that!) You were a little blonde haired, blue eyed beauty and people actually stopped us in stores and said you looked like a princess. (I think your sister believes you acted like one too).
You were always pretty easy going and easy to get along with but also determined to do things your way. I know it wasn't easy having three little sisters who loved to go into you room while you were at school. How many barbies lost their heads at the hands of those three little monsters? And yet, when you all got older you were pretty much always willing to take them on shopping excursions, help them dye their hair, learn to put on make-up, etc.
You have grown up to be a wonderful daughter and now a great mom to that sweet baby!

Happy Birthday my sweet girl and Happy Mothers Day too!

First Birthday

Second Grade

Wedding Day 7/21/07

Now a Momma 1/16/09

Kelly's Time Home

Well, Kelly has been home and is gone again. He got home on Thursday, 4/30 and left for Georgia on Thursday, 5/7. Thought I'd write about what we did while he was home for the week.

Friday - I skipped school (with my instructor's permission) and we ran errands, picked up a rototiller from Kelly's brother and he pretty much spent the rest of the day trying to get it started (unsuccessfully) so he could use it. While he was struggling with that I mowed the front and back and then he edged (a job I really don't enjoy).

Saturday - Mobilization ceremony at the Memorial Coliseum. One word? BORING! The soldiers were in formation while the governor, senators, state reps, mayor, general, colonel, etc made speeches, then were released. Following are a couple of pictures from that.

Sunday - We went to church and then took the girls to see "Wolverine" (we are all X-men geeks and hey, who doesn't love Hugh Jackman!)

Monday - Kelly and I had a date day. He won a drawing from the Red Cross for gift certificates to a restaurant of our choice and to the Regal Cinemas. We spent the day in Salem shopping, went to lunch at McGraths and then went to see "Ghosts of Girlfriends Past". Except for the pouring rain we had a great day together!

Tuesday - Ran more errands and rented a rototiller so I didn't have to wait until next year to finish the spot I'm working on.

Wednesday - Kelly spent most of the day packing and making sure he had everything ready to go. Chloey, Shelby and I took him the the Armory where he had to stay overnight so he could leave first thing Thursday morning.

So, that's pretty much it. The week sped by and now he won't be home again until he has leave, hopefully at Christmas.