Friday, May 22, 2009

It's Starting, I Can Feel It...

Ok, I'm going to try not to sound too whiny, self-involved or whatever and I'm going to try not to cry while I write this, we'll see...

I can feel myself starting to shut down. I don't think I realized that I did it while Kelly was in Afghanistan until he came home but this time I am really aware of it. I feel almost emotionally dead inside. I have been wondering if this is a little like what abuse victims do, detach themselves emotionally to survive. Not that this compares to someone who has been abused by any stretch of the imagination. If it is even a little like that I can't imagine living your life that way. One year at a stretch is hard enough.

I'm not sure how to get through this without shutting down. I'm afraid that if I don't that I will cry ALL THE TIME! I'm not even sure how to put into words what I'm trying to say. I am not a "touchy-feely" person, except when it comes to my husband. (oh boy, the crying has begun!) He, on the other hand, is a very "touchy-feely" person. He's a hugger, big time! Me, not so much, except for him and I miss that SO much. Sometimes I just feel like a robot on autopilot, just getting through each day. People ask me how I'm doing and I just smile and say "ok" but I really feel like screaming!

I especially hate that it's not fair to my girls. They need me to be present and whole and I just don't know how to do it. I don't want them to have to spend another year without their dad. So much changes and so much happens in a year.

Then that voice in my head tells me to suck it up, drive on and get over it. At least I have a husband, at least my kids have a father, it's only a year, you're not the only one who is or has gone through it, at least your kids aren't small, you're not having a baby, etc..... Why do I feel like I don't have the right to be mad, sad, angry, whatever? I guess that's why I shut down, because if I allow myself to have all these feelings I think I will never get out of bed again. (and we've now moved from teary to all out ugly cry)

Sorry for the pity party, I'm having a REALLY bad day! Pray for us all please!

2 comments:

Kelly Ramer said...

I'm so sorry for the heart ache you are suffering. This just confirms my thought process for when I come home, not that I'm going to make any rash decisions, just look at my options.

a girl in the life said...

please remind me not to read your blog at work on break. i don't need to be the crying girl at work!

it wasn't that bad and then i read daddy's comment ...

good thing no one's in the office.

i know it sucks (actually, i can barely imagine how much i'm sure) but i also know that you're stronger than you think you are. you'll make it. and the girls will be okay. they're strong too.

we just need you to come home safe daddy. i already miss you so much. i don't know how this year is ever going to go past ...

i love you both.